Out Of My Hands
The plane landed and my mask was completely drenched with tears and snot. Before I boarded the two and a half hour flight from Charlotte to Madison I had called the CCU to check on my husband to see if he was still stable and if the CT showed anything new. The call had gotten disconnected, I was an absolute wreck.
My parents were there at the curb just as I walked outside. Mom gave me a big hug as the phone rang. It was the hospital and he was stable under a medically induced coma and intubated. The brain bleed (hemorrhagic stroke) had caused increased pressure in his skull and he was under close watch. By God’s grace he didn’t need surgery to relieve the pressure, however not out of the woods yet. Having a medical background, I know things can change quickly.
24 hours ago I when I received the call I knew my life, our life…was never EVER going to be the same again. Would Kurt even remember who I am? Will he be able to speak or see me? Will they let me see him in the hospital with covid restrictions in place? Will I be a widow at 43? Will he have the same personality? Will he ever be able to walk again?
Brain damage in any form is the toughest, longest recovery and no one is every quite the same afterwards. Yet while I have all of these terrible, scary thoughts racing in my head I was never angry at God…
Underneath all of that deep down I had this little voice saying “this is My plan for you both.”
Fast forward two weeks later, Kurt is extubated and I need to start making decisions. My mentality was “I will do anything for my husband, I don’t care how much it costs because he deserves the best.” I was trying to control everything, because that’s how God wired me. I had to have a good plan in place, ask the right questions, site visits, and interview rehabs on who has the best new therapies and renovated rooms because Kurt deserves to be comfortable as he is trying to learn his new normal.
Every option I thought to be a great fit was denied because of insurance. After screaming, playing phone tag, being stuck on hold for hours out of the day, crying every night and telling myself to stay strong - I gave up and threw my hands to the Lord. God, I can’t do this anymore. You have to take over.
I knew He was there, I had been talking to Him every day…but speaking to Him is different than asking for help, this time it was a plea. I was absolutely exhausted - I was broken.
And you know when I did that? When I laid my burdens on God and let Him take over? I felt so relieved.
Kurt was in His hands, and He was there for me too.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:2
Submitted by Katie O. on 11/18/21